Yesterday, the federal government declared a public health emergency to deal with SWINE FLU . . . which begs the question: Just what the hell is swine flu? With that in mind, we dug up the six things you REALLY need to know about the swine flu outbreak.

#1.) What is swine flu and how do you get it?

Swine flu is a respiratory disease caused by the Influenza virus . . . also known as the flu. . that’s common in pigs. People can become infected with swine flu by interacting with infected pigs or with other people who are infected . . . but it’s pretty rare. You CANNOT contract swine flu by eating
infected pork.

#2.) How many people are infected with swine flu?

As of last night, 20 cases of swine flu had been detected in five U.S. states . . .California, Texas, New York, Ohio and Kansas. Only one of those people required hospitalization. In Mexico, where the outbreak started, more than 1,600 swine flu cases have been detected . . . and 103 people have died.
Swine flu infections have also been reported in Canada, Israel, Spain, France, Colombia and New Zealand . . . but not yet confirmed.

#3.) What happens when you get swine flu?

The symptoms of swine flu are similar to regular flu symptoms . . . including fever, coughing, loss of energy and lack of appetite. Some people also get a runny nose, sore throat, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea.

#4.) How likely is it that swine flu will turn into a pandemic?

According to the World Health Organization, swine flu is NOT a pandemic . . . meaning a worldwide epidemic . . . because there haven’t been that many cases, relatively speaking. And the cases that have been detected have been pretty isolated.

That said, viruses can be unpredictable . . . and officials still don’t know all that much about this particular strain. It could become a pandemic . . . or it could go away in a matter of days. They just don’t know.

#5.) How likely are you to DIE if you get swine flu?

Not that likely. But just to be safe, the federal government has released roughly 12 MILLION doses of the antiviral drug Tamiflu.

#6.) Why is everyone so worried about swine flu?

Because people worry about EVERYTHING they don’t understand. Since we don’t know that much about swine flu, people are losing their ever-loving minds over it. You should know this by now!

So what can you take from this? Well, you probably don’t need to lose sleep worrying about swine flu. But just in case it’s something we need to worry about, the government is keeping a close eye on it so we don’t get caught with our pants down. In other words, we may be overreacting about swine flu . . . and we may not be. But since we just don’t know . . . we’re playing it safe.

By the way, 103 swine flu deaths in Mexico might sound like a lot . . . but let’s put it in perspective. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 36,000 Americans die EVERY YEAR of
flu-related causes. That’s just the regular flu.

Now it’s time for a little segment we like to call “Life in the Eastern Bloc” . . .

Recently, 26-year-old Miroslav Miljici of Doboj, Bosnia went through a heartbreaking divorce with his unidentified wife.

Now, it’s not exactly clear why the marriage dissolved.  But what is apparent is that Miroslav blamed the breakup on his mother-in-law . . . Who he claims turned his wife against him.

So to get back at her, Miroslav blew up his mother-in-law’s house . . . With an ANTI-TANK MISSILE LAUNCHER!  And when his mother-in-law somehow survived that attack . . . He tried to gun her down with a MACHINE GUN!

Somehow, the mother-in-law survived both attacks . . . And Miroslav was sentenced to SIX YEARS in prison for attempted murder.  (And, no, Miroslav wasn’t charged with possessing these ridiculous weapons)

Below is a picture of what one of these bad boys looks like!

Now it’s time to hand out our “Idiot Criminal of the Day” award . . . to 50-year-old Jonathan Kennedy of New Paltz, New York.

Last week, Jonathan hid a spy camera in the unisex bathroom of his local Starbucks.  But while he was installing it, Jonathan accidentally took a photo of his face . . . and the picture was still stored on the spy camera when a Starbucks employee found it and turned it over to the police.

Yesterday, Jonathan was arrested and charged with one count of felony unlawful surveillance.  If he’s convicted, he could get up to FOUR YEARS in prison.  IDIOT!!

Here is what his mugshot looks like.  I don’t like to stereotype people, but……well….just take a look at him!

Now it’s time to hand out our “Idiot Criminal of the Day” award . . . to 25-year-old Harry Jackson of Woodbine, Georgia. On Saturday, Harry broke out of the minimum security prison where he was being held on drug charges . . . and stole 14 packs of cigarettes from a nearby convenience store. But listen to this . . .

After stealing the smokes, Harry decided it would be a good idea to return to the prison . . . to try and SNEAK BACK IN!!!

Unfortunately for Harry, he got caught on his way back inside . . . and now he’s been charged with breaking out of jail and burglary.

And that’s why you, Harry Jackson of Woodbine, Georgia, are our “Idiot Criminal of the Day”! Congratulations on your unparalleled idiocy!!!

God bless the police for dealing with guys like THIS . . . every single day.

Last Wednesday, police officers in Fort Pierce, Florida pulled over 50-year-old Johnnie Roberts on suspicion of drunk driving. And it was all downhill from there . . .

#1.) Johnnie was driving around with a can of Natural Ice beer on the roof of his truck . . . and when the police pulled him over, he had another can of beer in his hand.

#2.) While the officers were talking to Johnnie . . . he PEED HIS PANTS.

#3.) According to the police report, the officers asked Johnnie to touch his right shoe and he just, quote, “looked down at his feet and started stumbling around saying ‘What shoe?’”

#4.) When the officers asked Johnnie to perform some field sobriety tests, he started cursing and telling them they, quote, “ain’t all that.”

#5.) After the officers arrested Johnnie and took him to jail, he tried to suck the air out of the breathalyzer test . . . instead of blowing into it.

#6.) Then Johnnie PEED HIS PANTS AGAIN!!

Here is the mug shot of Mr. Bladder Control:

In general, I try to keep an open mind about different cultures and their traditional customs. But it blows my mind that in 2009, people still believe in nonsense like THIS . . .

On Monday, a 2-year-old boy from Bhubaneswar, India named Sagula Munda got married . . . to his NEIGHBOR’S DOG.

Let me say that again. On Monday, a 2-year-old Indian boy got married to a DOG!

I know what you’re thinking . . . WHY??? Apparently, Sagula had grown a tooth on the upper part of his gum which, according to tribal lore, is a bad omen that makes him more likely to be attacked by tigers or other wild animals.

So Sagula married the dog to please the gods . . . in hopes that they’d ward off evil spirits and keep him safe. For what it’s worth, India’s government doesn’t recognize marriages between humans and dogs . . . of course . . . and Sagula won’t have to divorce the dog in order to get married to a HUMAN when he grows up.

Ladies . . . would you like to be able to pee while standing up? Of course you would. Why wouldn’t you?

That’s why you’ve got to check out this AMAZING new product I found called the Go-Girl. What’s the Go-Girl? According to the product website, the Go-Girl is a, quote, “female urination device (sometimes called a FUD) that allows you to pee while standing up.”

Basically, it’s a funnel that you put under your “you know what” . . . which allows you to aim while you relieve yourself.

The Go-Girl costs $4.99 . . . or you can get a three-pack for $11.99. You can buy the Go-Girl urination device here http://www.go-girl.com/ (For some reason, their site keeps going down, so be patient! I guess a lot of ladies are trying to be free of sitting down or something!)

According to a recent survey by the Spelling Society, only ONE in FOUR Americans think they have a problem with spelling.

But in that same survey, 25% misspelled the word “definitely”.

–30% misspelled the word “accidentally”.

–32% misspelled the word “separate”.

–42% misspelled the word “accommodation”.

–52% misspelled the word “millennium”.

–61% misspelled the word “liaison”.

–And 62% misspelled the word “embarrassed”.

Everybody knows it’s phenomenally stupid to drive drunk.  But did you know you can also get arrested for being drunk . . . while WALKING?

No, I’m serious.  Last Saturday, police in New Bloomfield, Pennsylvania (–in the central part of the state, about 20 miles northwest of Harrisburg), set up a traffic checkpoint in an attempt to nail drunken drivers and it worked.  The police arrested two people for driving under the influence. 

But they also arrested two people who they caught WALKING through the checkpoint area . . . for public drunkenness.  (???)

So let’s see if I have this straight.  You can’t drive drunk . . . but you can’t walk while drunk either?  In other words, the only legal way to get home if you’re wasted is to call a taxi or get a ride from a sober friend?  Does that make any sense at all?

I mean, I get it.  New Bloomfield cops don’t want their streets filled with hordes of rowdy drunks.  But if the alternative is that these people get behind the wheel of a car . . . I might let them slide on this “public drunkenness” nonsense.  Priorities, people!

Recently, a website called OnJoy.com conducted a survey to find out which Professions get the most action.  Here’s a look at what they found just incase you are looking for a “new job”.

The five professions which have the MOST sex are:

#5.)  Call center operator

#4.)  Secretary

#3.)  Lawyer

#2.)  Flight attendant

#1.)  Real estate agent  (Overall, real estate agents get it FOUR times a week.)

And the five professions which have the LEAST sex are:

#5.)  Librarian

#4.)  Teacher

#3.)  Nurse

#2.)  Customer service rep

#1.)  Truck driver  (Overall, truck drivers get it LESS than TWICE a week)